Call Me Sharpay Evans Because I Want It All & I Want More

I aspired to be Gabriella Montes in High School Musical but as I grew up, I understood where Sharpay Evans is coming from and unconsciously, I became somewhat like her minus the rich family par.

This image is a screenshot from a youtube video

It all started when I was three years old, I started wanting to be a nanny/caregiver because I want to take care of people. When I turned six years old and was starting grade school, I realized that I wanted to be a singer and a teacher. And it got more realistic by the time I'm eight years old, I wanted to be a nurse so I can care for people better that way and you know, the money. At nine years old, I wanted to become a pastry chef from watching food network and being the fat kid that I am.

By the time I was ten years old, my beloved grandfather died from stage 4 lung cancer and I was set to become a doctor to help other people experiencing the same fate. At the age twelve, I wanted to be a lawyer and a social worker protecting women and children from abuse and harassment. I was also starting to think of joining and building a feminist organization but my mom says its too dangerous and there's no future on becoming a lawyer so I reverted back to becoming a doctor.

It got way more confusing during summer before Year 10, because college application deadlines are approaching and I got into arts that time and I wanted to become a graphic designer but my mom-as any asian mom-wanted me to continue my plans on becoming a doctor but I wasn't so sure anymore but in the end, she won. I looked for pre-med courses where I could have a fall back just in case I'm not going to pursue the MD road in the future and now, I'm a degree holder of BS Biochemistry.

But this world have endless possibilities that it's too blinding and confusing, I don't feel content with what I have because there is so much more to explore and so much more to experience. I see humans as this small multiverse of potential living in a big universe but time and money are very limiting.

It's the 21st century, almost nothing is free in the world anymore. If I want to excel on something, Personal interest and perseverance is not enough, I need money to get that formal education and those papers that will certify that I am actually good at something.

At the age of 19, I want to be everything that I wanted to be when I was younger with more "adult" goals but how???

Yes, I made a plan.

Yes, I've weighed all the pros and cons.

and Yes, I've started my move.

but you know what? IT'S NOT ENOUGH because I ain't seeing any results. My anxiety and impatience is not letting me sleep and sit still. With every decision I make, I see an alternate setting where I chose a different path and became successful but since I chose this path, I'm stuck here. I know that's not true but the uncertainty of everything is not sitting well with me.

Image not mine

So, I guess that saying I read on social media is true,

"A person who wants everything will have nothing"

I got too busy looking at all the possibilities and outcomes that I got scared to actually do something about it but I'm still young and I hope one day, everything will fall perfectly in their rightful places and I'd find my satisfaction and happiness.

For now, I'll start my High School Musical marathon first because this post made me feel nostalgic.