Regression or Progression?

As a 20-year old woman who hasn’t seen and experience much of the world, I have always thought that character development is linear that as long you try your best and put your mind into it, it’s easy to get that r2 = 0.9999 but no, I should have known better.

I realized that life is like a science experiment, everything is trial and error, and when you thought that you’re doing everything right and perfectly following every step in the procedure sometimes it still turns to shit and you’d have to start over again and find where you went wrong until you get the consistent results that you want. In the process of starting over and fucking up, again and again, you might feel that you’re regressing, or you’re stuck but it’s all just part of your progress.

The past 7 months were… something. I started a job in an events company, I went to Thailand twice, I got my tongue crib and then got it removed and was replaced by spikes, got a death scare that I had to go through MRI and CT scan, my line manager got fired and I got absorbed by the marketing team, organized a conference, created content for the conference, got a gym membership and quit after a month, got a new phone, started my own buy-and-sell business, enrolled myself to Digital Marketing short course, my grandfather got sick and had to collect money, went to a house party, got so drunk that I got violent, gained 5-7 kg. So you see? It was just 7 months! It was just less than 210 days and I feel like I’m experiencing so many things and that time is just passing me by.

The first few months, I felt that I was regressing because it was hard for me to make friends at work, I felt so insecure and incompetent to be actually working in a company even if I am just a temporary staff/ Intern (yes, my role was confusing) but looking back, I think I did get better for myself. I am getting that character development that I am seeking. I also realized that most of the time, it is just me who’s sabotaging myself ad making me feel worthless and hindering all the progress I have come to.

And now, I’m starting over again, and I fear what’s waiting for me in the next few days or months but this time, I have the experience to back me up and I am wiser compared to my 2018 self.